In a moment of self reflection today, I had an epiphany. All men are Ass-Holes. Now i don't mean that in a derogatory sense. To a degree, all males have a innate desire and aspire to be and ass-hole. Its a carnal and primitive instinct that, like sleep, men can not go with out or else they go insane (or become gay: that's another discussion altogether). Allow me to explain. There isn't just one way to be an ass, as far as men are concerned, there are five ways.
The first and most prominent is the common "Dumb-Ass". This iteration has only one thing on his mind: have fun at all costs. Usually laid back and care free, he is easily entertained whether its acting like a fool with his friends, risking his life in brain cell killing-physical stunts, drinking himself into the bottom of a keg or neglecting the worries of life along with common sense out of laziness or preoccupation. He usually has nothing to lose and is typically a lower-class or middle-class American with limited financial resources, education and the cheapest need to be entertained. Thus resulting in your Steve-O/ Johny Knoxville-esk, stupor inducing combination of humor, pain, and alcohol, often missing out on life altogether for a brew and a few laughs.
Speaking of Steve-O brings us to our second classification. the "Jack-Ass". Unlike the Dumb-Ass, the Jack-Ass can be found in any lifestyle and environment. A truer narcissist in every way, shape and form. He must be the center of attention by any means necessary. Whether by obnoxiously flirting with every single female present, insulting someone for a insignificant yet obvious flaw, or flaunting their own personal attributes and possessions. They are prone to be overly physical and demanding, using sheer "masculinity"and raised voices (over brawn and reason) to get what they want. When two Jack-Ass' met the resulting "Pissing Match" or Bar Brawl is soon to fallow. Stereotypes are the Jock, Prep, and Professional. But this does not exclude others such as the Playa and Over Compensator.
The third is the less common "Smart-Ass". Similar to the Jack -Ass, yet differentiating him self, the Smart Ass is charismatic, intelligent, and more often then not, financially and socially stable. The Smart Ass is the most clever and sly of men (although often not as intelligent as he would lead you to believe), so he is easy to miss altogether, appearing suave, debonair or elegant. He uses sarcasm and wit to say what he wants and get away with it. He talks a big game because he can. He is that damn good and he knows it. Whats more is he must let everyone else know it as well. his strength is magnified by how many people are around him. That in and of it self is his own weakness. While in his element, he is king. but once removed he becomes insecure , defensive and unpredictable.
The fourth has been influenced by Hollywood and Pro-Sports more than anything else. the Bad-Ass. Combining aspects of the jack ass and smart ass, the bad ass is an unstoppable force consisting of testosterone and meat. Pain is temporary, glory is forever. He lifts weights for the sole purpose to lift even more weights the fallowing day. He doesn't try to hook up with women, they try to hook up with him. He eats steak three times a day and then goes and shoots a building with a Howitzer. Everything that the Bad-Ass is , is an exaggerated personality with little or no self control, done often enough becomes habit and habit becomes lifestyle. The Bad-Ass often has positive and aggressive characteristics that seem to be successful, but in reality he' just a dog off his leash. Let him go and he wont stop until he gets what he wants and when he gets bored with that he finds something else to obsess over.
The final Ass-Hole is a classic. The Hard-Ass. Akin to the Bad-Ass except none of it is exaggeration. very old school "Clint Eastwood". Quiet and reserved, often nihilistic and never wrong. These men are hard workers, with leathery skin and personality's to mach. they believe the way the world has treated them gives them an excuse to treat everyone else the same. do unto others before they do unto you is the Hard-Ass Golden Rule. As rough and tough as these men are, fortunately the often have a sense of honor and respect. these two traits long forgotten by today's society are reason enough for their bitter demeanor and short tempers. Conservative to a fault, they hate the gaudy and articulate Smart Ass or the irresponsible and lazy Dumb-Ass. They just want to be put in charge so they can do "it" right or be left alone.
When it comes down to brass tacks, the qualities we attribute to Ass-Holes is actually natural selection at its finest. Weed out theweak for the betterment of the species. All men try to "One Up" each other for female attention, professional success, social status and Psychological well being. We males may come of like a bunch of Douche Bags ( and rightfully so) but many of those traits people dislike come with qualities we need. Then again i could be completely wrong.
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